Admitting Where I’m At
Posted on: November 15, 2009
I haven’t been blogging here lately. I could say the reason was because I was so so so busy, but it’d be a lie. The real reason I haven’t been blogging is that I’ve been crippled by perfectionism, self doubt, and fear of exposure. I’ve been afraid of what I might say.
I think my biggest secret has been how full of fear I am at pretty much every moment. I’m afraid I’m making the wrong life choices. I’m afraid I’m making the right life choices but that I’m too inept, slow, or cowardly to make them turn out as well as they could. I worry that I’m not that great a poet and not so hot a content writer either. I worry that I am a fraud and that everyone will find out at any moment.
In short I’m a first year MFA. I haven’t done things perfectly, and I’m not going to write this blog perfectly, but that’s OK.
The words on my about page pretty much say it all:
“Becoming the Living Poet is about honestly acknowledging the psychological and financial barriers to being a poet and confronting them with mindfulness, authenticity, and, on a good day, maybe even a little grace.”
I’m been anxiety-ridden and weakened by depression, but I’m still on the road to becoming a living poet.
Ready, set, go!
2 Responses to "Admitting Where I’m At"
November 16, 2009 at 4:01 pm
The thing that is crazy about all the insecurity, punctuated by a few successes, is that they are eternal. No matter what level you get to (ok maybe not at Stephen King level of success), I hear writers still talking about the same things.
But, yet, this is a path we can not turn away from!
Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery..hehe
November 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I could take your entire second paragraph and paste it up as truth on my own blog. I actually talked to my professor about it. He said that everything–our fears, insecurities, all the negatives–are a part of our writing process. I’m trying to embrace it as such. So while we are in the midst of fearing we’ll never be that poet we hope to be…we are becoming her. It’s all a part of the process. You are totally on the way!